Thursday 19 June 2014

Emotional Rollercoaster #2

Up and down we go.

I started spotting on Tuesday, it got worse on Wednesday to the point where I was depressed and worried, now it's back to how it was on Tuesday.  Implantation bleeding?  Who frigging knows.  I'm trying to keep calm and relaxed, but it's always there in the back of my mind.  The constant worry of not knowing anything until Monday.  Tomorrow I will pee on a stick!  I might even do it tonight because I have 3 tests just sitting around, also, I'm impatient!

Monday is our official beta test date, and I really hope that I get some high numbers so that I can stop worrying about this, and start worrying about the 12 week wait!

Whoever said pregnancy was easy was an idiot!

This will be me in a few hours!



Saturday 14 June 2014

Of All The Days...

So yesterday was transfer day.
It was Friday the 13th.
It was a full moon.
It was also Mercury Retrograde.

The full moon is considered a "Honey Moon" as it happened on a Friday 13th.  That next time anyone will see that will be in 2049.  That's pretty cool.

I can't say that I wasn't intimidated by the thought of transferring two of our remaining four embryos with such notoriously ominous signs, but that was the date that we were given, and there's not much that we can do other than to throw our superstitions aside and just hope for the best.

Lance and I headed down to Vancouver around 9am.  We were gonna head to Denny's for some breakfast before the transfer.  Unfortunately someone's Friday 13th wasn't going so well and we encountered a huge accident on Hwy1 that resulted in a long detour through town.  By the time we arrived in Vancouver, we only had 40 minutes before our appointment so we decided that it would be best to eat after.  Hopefully the half a bagel that we'd each had before we left would tide us over.  Lol.

I started getting nervous as we were sitting in the waiting room.  What if the embryos didn't survive the thaw?  What if something goes wrong and they can't do the transfer?  Millions of questions and concerns invaded my thoughts.  Lance told me to quit worrying and that everything would be fine.  And he was right.

The nurse greeted us as we entered the procedure room. Dr. Kashyap followed shortly behind, with her kind, calming personality.  The embryologist came in the room and introduced himself as "our babysitter".  It's a nice atmosphere, if you don't think about the fact that I have my legs up in the air with a speculum in my hoohaa displayed for all the world to see.

The embryologist returned back to the lab and we watched on the big screen as he captured the two embryos into a catheter and brought them out for the Dr.  Then the magic happened.  We witnessed the "Shooting star" again as the embryos were pushed out of the catheter and into what I really hope will be their home for the next 9 months.

Our two embryos.  Six days old and ready to meet their new home.

A comparison with the first embryo at day 5.

Now all there is to do is sit and wait it out.  We can officially test on June 23rd.  I'm sure I won't make it that long without doing a home pregnancy test, but we'll see.  I'm trying my hardest (and failing) to not google too much about this cycle.  I've tried comparing my embryos to other day 6 embryos, but they're all so different.  We have a 4AA and a 4BB, at least that's what they were frozen as.  I don't know if they'd be a 5 or 6 AA/BB by this point, or if they're still considered a 4... Way too much to learn...But I digress...

We transferred two embryos on a Friday the 13th with a full moon, and Mercury being all retrograde and stuff... The more "fingers crossed" we get, the better.  

I will update very soon, I'm sure!

Thursday 12 June 2014

Transfer Day Tomorrow

I just got the phone call from the embryologist and they're all set to do the transfer at noon tomorrow.  Lance has taken the day off of work and we'll head out to Vancouver in the morning.  I might make him take me out for a good breakfast first.  ;)

I asked about the thawing of the embryos and he said that they do it first thing in the morning.  It takes about 45 minutes, then they let them sit until noon to heal and grow a little bit more.  We'll get a picture of the embryos, then I'm gonna spend the rest of the day with my legs up in the air.  Hehehe.

My fingers, toes and anything else that can be crossed, are crossed!!!


Monday 9 June 2014

An Update (Original, eh?)

So it's been a little while since my last update.  I started taking the nasty nasal spray on May 22nd.  I hated it!!!  I'd actually rather have been giving myself injections than having to take that hideous spray!  It would send me into sneezing, sniffling fits about 20 minutes after taking it, then I'd be able to taste it down my throat and it would taste like ear wax (don't even ask!  Lol).  I had to use the spray twice a day, then on May 31st, I added Estrace pills to the mix.  They weren't bad at all.  I didn't feel any different taking these medications than I did not taking them, so I was a little worried that they weren't working.

We've been stressing out about the potential transfer date as they had given us a tentative date of May 14th and Lance has his best friends stag party that day.  He's the best man, so he's planned it all and he can't be in two places at once.  Unselfish Marie wants him to go to the stag and have a good time, but selfish Marie kind of wants her fiancĂ©e in the same room as her when she gets pregnant.  I don't think that's too unreasonable!

I had my first ultrasound this morning and didn't quite know how to feel while I was driving out there.  Were they going to tell me that the lining wasn't good again and that they'd have to cancel the cycle?  Would they have to bump up the medications that I'm taking?  Of course, traffic sucked so the drive felt like it took twice as long.

Dr Kashyap did the ultrasound and good news... My lining is 10.5mm thick and my ovaries are quiet. They're going to go ahead and do a double embryo transfer on Friday.  This means that I can stop taking that horrific nasal spray, and I can stay at the same dose of Estrace rather than increasing it to 3 times daily... The only poopy thing is that I have to start taking the Endometrin three times a day now.  Yuck!  Oh well... Hopefully it'll all be worth it in the end!!!





Friday 9 May 2014

Back Again

Yesterday was cycle day one.

I left a message with Genesis to let them know and they called back this morning.

Apparently they want to do a fully augmented cycle.  What the heck does that mean?  It means that I have to take some frigging medication again.

I'm not super happy with this as I was under the impression that she wanted to try a natural cycle this time as my hormones were too much last cycle, and that is potentially what caused the failure.

I started the birth control pill today.  That, I can handle.  What annoys me is that the nurse is telling me that after my ultrasound on the 14th, I will have to start taking the nasal spray.  Why do I have to take it?  That doesn't sound very natural to me!!!

I had a good cry on the phone to Lance while he was at work.  I think I'm obviously just frustrated as I really don't want to be on any medications again.  It's hard enough remembering to take my pre-natal vitamin, iron pill and folic acid.

Lance took me out for dinner tonight.  I think he felt pretty bad for me.
He also knows that the answer to most problems is wine.

I love that guy.

I guess we'll see what happens on the 14th after the ultrasound.


Wednesday 23 April 2014

It's a no-go for this month.

I went for my ultrasound last Tuesday and my uterus lining is crap.  Dr. Kashyap did offer to do a medicated cycle, but suggested we wait one more month to see if the lining is better.  I'm sure it's just residual hormones on my system because my "monthlies" wasn't quite normal.  We have decided to take her advice and wait until next cycle to see what's happening.  Pass the wine?  :)
At this rate, we're looking at a 2015 baby.  This is getting dangerously close to our wedding date.  Eep!

C'mon Uterus... You can doooooo eeeet!


Thursday 27 March 2014

New Beginnings

I'm not a phone person at all, but I opted to have a phone consultation with Genesis on Monday to go over the last cycle.  I would rather talk on the phone than deal with Vancouver traffic if I have to!  I hate, hate, hate Vancouver traffic!  

Dr Kashyap was her normal kind, gentle self on the phone and after offering her sympathies got right to business.  She thinks that the cycle failed because my hormone levels were out of whack and that led to a crappy baby-welcoming environment in this old uterus of mine.  

All that said and done, she said that she thinks that we should try a natural cycle, with the possibility of a multi-embryo transfer.  My interest piqued!  No hormones, and twice the chance!  After the embryo is transferred then they will probably start me on the Progesterone pessaries again, but that should be it.  It sounds wonderful.  I won't be all messed up and crazy... Maybe.  ;)

Now I just have to wait for good old Aunt Flow to visit me to start the process.  This may be the first time in my life I will be excited to get my monthlies.  Teehee.  

In the past few weeks I have made some discoveries about myself.  My iron levels SUCK.  It's true.  My Dr's have been telling me this for years, and one had even threatened to transfuse me if I didn't smarten up and take those damn pills.  Well, I kind of fell off the wagon for a bit after the big disappointment and stopped taking all of my pills.  Stupid?  Yes!  I became tired... Irritable... Pale.  I hadn't really noticed that I'd become more awake, happier, colorful when I was taking the pills, so I put myself back on them all.  Prenatals, Folates, Iron!  Maybe I'll just be stuck taking pills for the rest of my life, but it's better than being a tired, crabby bitch that looks like death.  Lance also suggested that if I stop taking them, he'll start drugging me.  Duly noted.  

So there you have it.  We have four more frozen "chances" to make this happen, and I really hope that this natural cycle works.  I don't think I'll be quite so neurotic with the googling this time.  I'll just let nature take its course and hopefully the outcome will be so much better than the last time!  

See ya soon!  
xoxo

Wednesday 12 March 2014

My Chemical Pregnancy

I am sad all over.  I had my Beta-HCG level done this morning and it's only 14.  I knew I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up.  It never fails!  Lance always tells me that I live in the "worst-case-scenario" zone, and that I should try to be more positive.  It's not that I enjoy dragging my feelings around on the floor, it's that I find it easier to pick up and carry on when I'm hit with a blow if I'm already expecting the worst.

That being said, I just got off the phone with the fertility clinic.  They always give me a chance to review my own lab-work online before they call so I already knew the bad news when I answered.  It's now confirmed that I had a chemical pregnancy and I need to repeat my Beta-HCG next Wednesday to make sure it's dropped down to 5 or lower.  I made myself a large mug of strong coffee because really, there's no reason not to drink coffee today now.

I haven't really cried yet.  It's been such a stressful week, I honestly think I'm just thankful to finally know what's going on so that we can plan our next move.  I think it'll be hard when Lance gets home and we have to see each other upset.  That's where the bottle of wine that my Brother gave me for my Birthday will come in handy.  

I'm frustrated about the conversation that I had with the nurse, and I know that she's just trying to help and make sure I'm going to be ok and that I'm not going to turn into Eeyore, the donkey of depression... It's just that, I felt that she wanted to talk more about how this affected the staff and not how it affected me. 


"You know, this is really hard... Especially for us.  We waited for your labs to come in and were all so disappointed that they had gone down"  

She even used a crap analogy of a playground.

"Remember when we were kids and we'd play on the see-saw... Those ups and downs were what would make us laugh, and it's the ups and downs in our current lives that still make us laugh".

I just don't feel like laughing.

She did end the call with "Enjoy your evening"

I effing will.  I'm going to have some wine!  

Another thing that has made me sad is having to leave the super-secret-pregnant-moms facebook group that I was in (no, that's not the groups real name. If I told you that, then it wouldn't be so secret anymore!).  I had enjoyed all the constant updates from everyone, complaining about ill-fitting clothes to horrific morning sickness to almost getting busted by friends for looking pregnant.  I truly wish that I was able to continue on my journey with the girls in that group, but it's just not our time.  Hopefully I will be able to join another secret group in the next couple of months, but until then, I wish all of my friends the best luck with their pregnancies, and just because I'm no longer in that group, I'd still like to hear that occasional update from ya'll... So let me know how it's going, and all that stuff... Blog comments are eagerly awaited!!!  

So now our next step is to book an appointment with the Dr and go over what she feels happened with this cycle and how they want to approach the next cycle.  Keep your fingers crossed for us!

At least I can stop taking those darn progesterone pessaries now!!!




Tuesday 11 March 2014

Get Me Off Of This Emotional Roller Coaster!!!

What an absolutely cruel week!!!  I've had major ups and downs.  I spent all of Thursday crying.  I just want this next few weeks to flash by with good results so that I have at least a little clue as to what's going on.

Wednesday:  Spotting started.  I thought perhaps it was implantation bleeding, so I didn't worry too much about it.

Thursday: Went to the bathroom and there was bright red blood and lots of it.  I freaked out and called Genesis who said that I should go and have my beta drawn early.  It was supposed to happen today (March 11th) but they wanted it done on the Saturday (March 8th).  I spent the rest of the day crying uncontrollably on the couch, preparing for the worst.

Friday:  Bleeding is increasing and I've seen a few small clots.  Totally prepared for the worst.  I think I got all of my crying out on Thursday.  I'm just depressed.  Why didn't this work?  I have no symptoms of pregnancy anymore.

Saturday:  Headed to the lab at 7am.  Burst into tears trying to register because I know this is going to give me the horrible news that this cycle was a bust.  Bleeding is about the same.  It's like having a normal period, so that's exactly what I'm assuming it is.  I'm going through pads in a couple of hours.  Came home, sat on the couch (Lance has me on bedrest until we know for sure) and waited for the results to come through.  Checked the ehealth website every half an hour and finally saw that they were there around 2pm.  My beta was 15.  Talk about incon-frigging-clusive!  Genesis called and told me that the numbers were really low and that they want to see it over 100 when I go again on Monday, but to be prepared that they will probably be lower.

Sunday:  Lance hung out on my couch prison with me all day.  We watched Suits and Lie To Me on Netflix.  He cooked dinner and got mad at me if I so much as tried to get up.  He really is super wonderful.

Monday:  Arrived at the lab at 6:45.  Tearful/fearful again.  Felt a little nauseated this morning, but figured that was from stress.  Came home, back to my couch prison and waited.  I checked around 11am for the results but nothing was in yet (it really is handy having them post on ehealth so that I don't have to wait for my Dr to review them and call me).  I checked that website every 30 minutes and I'd hold my breath as I clicked on "View reports" but each time it just said that todays labs were incomplete.  Checked at 1pm and forgot to hold my breath... And of course they were in.  I gave myself a pep talk that we'd just have to figure out when would be a good time to try another cycle.  Beta results = 25.  What the hell!  They've gone up!  Not quite doubled, but it is so close, and still so low.  I called Lance and he said to get the bleeding checked out so I called my family Dr.  She's gone for the day.  I head to the ER.  Tyson was working triage and I felt relieved, especially when he told me that it's super busy but he'd get me in faster.  I guess there are benefits to being staff (that and most of the people in the waiting room had stupid complaints).  The ER Dr did a quick abdominal ultrasound and said that he thinks he could see a sac and would like me to go for a full ultrasound the next day.  I went back home excited and hopeful, and to rest more.

Tuesday:  I just got back from my ultrasound.  It doesn't look good.  The tech didn't see anything that resembles a sac, nor did she see any reason for the bleeding, so here I am again, back on the roller coaster, and waiting for tomorrow's beta test to see what the hell is going on with me.  Am I pregnant or not?  Why does this have to be so tortuous!!!!!

Hopefully I have the heart to update again soon, with good news.  Otherwise, see you when we do another cycle.


Thursday 6 March 2014

7DP5DT

Yes, that's 7 days past my 5 day transfer, and still no BFP.  To say that I feel a little weepy today would be an understatement.  I've googled enough information to know that there's still hope for me, but I had a little bit of spotting last night and this morning, and any other symptoms that I had have pretty much dwindled away.  I also understand that any symptoms that I did have were probably from the massive amounts of medications that I had been taking.  

I know that the bleeding could mean two things.  AF or Implantation Bleeding.  I really hope that it's the latter.  I keep getting these sharp pains in my stomach and most of the reading that I've done, people have AF like cramps with the spotting.  Mine are definitely not AF like.  They're pinchy.

I have been fighting back tears as I stupidly read blog after blog about people who have been in this same situation, hoping to find someone that I can compare my reproductive system with.  Someone who has gone through the exact same steps that I have, but we are all different, and our journeys are equally as different.  Some of them ended up pregnant, some of them ended up drowning their sorrows in wine.  Reading all of the comments on each blog entry is equally as frustrating.  They're also filled with other peoples hopes and fears.
"You're testing too early"
"I didn't get my BFP until the OTD"
"Sorry for your loss, I had that same spotting then MC'd"
"I didn't get my BFP until 9DP5DT"
"Hang in there, don't get down".
"Test again in two days"
"Don't test at home, wait until the OTD"

Surely with all of the advances in the medical field there has to be a way of monitoring the embryo without making families suffer through this 2WW.  It's barbaric!  I'm on my way to a nervous breakdown!!!



Tuesday 4 March 2014

BFN

Wandering through the colorful aisles at our local Dollarama, I always get a good giggle when I head down the health aisle and see the dollar store pregnancy tests, sitting right next to the dollar store condoms.  I told Bailey once "If you ever use a dollar store condom, you'll be back for the pregnancy test, so don't!".  Now here I stand, at the cash register with my basket full of cheapo pregnancy tests (and we all know that I didn't use the dollar store condoms...It was immaculate conception, or something like that).  

I researched the effectiveness of the dollar store pregnancy tests as I've noticed a lot of women on BabyCenter and other forums swear by them, and they're all pregnant.  I found out that they are actually Health Canada approved and really, what more do I need a urine test to do other than check my pee for HCG.  I figured, not unlike hundreds of other women "Why should I pay $20 for a HPT when they have them for $1.25 and I can check my pee daily on the cheap!"  

Well, I came home and explained to Lance that I'd spent a small fortune on said tests and that I wanted to do one.  Wise old Lance retorted with "Why don't you just wait?"  Why?  Because this is pure torture!!!  I hate this not-knowing!  I hate questioning every feeling I get in my body and wandering if it's a symptom of pregnancy or my own insanity.  

I pee'd on that stick.

I got a BFN.  For you guys that have no idea what a BFN is, or the HPT, HCG and all the other acronyms that I will probably use now that I'm part of this secret society of pregnant ladies... BFN means "BIG FAT NEGATIVE".  The other ones, you can look up yourselves.  :P

Anyway... I half expected to get the BFN as I had done the math before hand.

Trigger shot = Feb 20th @ 10pm.  Lasts in your body from 9-14 days.
Embryo Transfer = Feb 27th @ 11am.  Implantation takes approximately 5 days after the transfer to complete.

So basically, I'm in this not-pregnant limbo, but I have ruled out the possibility of having the trigger shot still in my system.. So basically now, all I have to do is wait, and pee on a stick every day until we hopefully get our BFP (This one's easy!).  

I'm trying to stay as positive as I can, but even though I expected it to be negative, a little piece of me wanted to see a really strong positive.  

I shall report more on my findings tomorrow!  


5-Day Transfer

Days Past
Transfer (DPT)
Embryo Development
OneThe blastocyst begins to hatch out of its shell
TwoThe blastocyst continues to hatch out of its shell and begins to attach itself to the uterus
ThreeThe blastocyst attaches deeper into the uterine lining, beginning implantation
FourImplantation continues
FiveImplantation is complete, cells that will eventually become the placenta and fetus have begun to develop
SixHuman chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) starts to enter the blood stream
SevenFetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
EightFetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
NineLevels of hCG are now high enough to detect a pregnancy
I am on day 5 according to this chart from the NYU Fertility Center, so there's still hope for us yet!!!  

Sunday 2 March 2014

I'm Not Very Patient

So this is what the waiting game is like, huh?

I can't think of much else right now, other than "am I pregnant?"

Bits of me feel pregnant.  I'm definitely having bizarre dreams, and other weird symptoms like the stuffy nose, constipation, sore boobs, etc... But I always wonder if that could just be from the drugs.

I spend my time searching for the ultimate nursery that's not too cliche and overdone, so basically anything on Pinterest is out.  I can't tell you how many Tree Of Life paintings I've seen on nursery walls.  It looks lovely, but it's just been done way too many times.  I also found an awesome forum on www.babycenter.ca and we have started a support group on facebook which is great!  It's nice to know that there are at people that I have something in common with for the rest of my life!  

I'm pretty sure I am pregnant though.  I just have that feeling.  I really hope I'm right, which is ok because I'm never wrong.  Just ask Lance.  ;)

I decided to do a little project this afternoon.  I wanted to take a picture to mark each month of this pregnancy and I thought it would be neat to tie a number around my belly with a ribbon.  I came up with these... 


They're fairly big.  Each one is about 7"x7", but I think they'll look pretty awesome.  If anyone wants the images sent over, then comment with your email address.  I went with a gender neutral theme because at this moment, neither of us wants to find out what we're having.  Perhaps that'll change, but who knows.  I also made a blank one that I can print out a bunch of times and write things on it like "2WW" and "In Labor!!!"  and things like that.  Maybe we can take a picture of our new family afterwards with a ribbon and tag on the baby with his/her name and birth date, weight etc?  So many ideas in this little head of mine!!!  

Anyway, I don't think I'll be able to hold out until March 11th without doing a POAS test at home.  Just gotta find out exactly when the trigger shot is out of my system.  Hopefully it's soon!!!  

One last thing.  It's weird to think, but according to any website or app I have looked on, it says that today I'm two weeks and four days pregnant.  I know that's not accurate for me as we did IVF and have a pretty good clue as to when the egg was fertilized, and you're not actually pregnant until implantation takes place but I guess the rest of the world goes by the LMP method... Which makes me more pregnant than I thought I was, even though I don't know if I am. 

See, totally driving myself crazy!!!  
<3


Thursday 27 February 2014

The Waiting Game

That was crazy cool!!!

We headed out to Vancouver, but made a pitstop at the Denny's across the street for some breakfast before our appointment.   Their skillet breakfasts are pretty amazing!!!  After breakfast, we checked in at Genesis and after a few minutes the nurse came and got us from the waiting room and took us to the cubicle where I could change in to a gown and they'd go over some of the information.  We were told that they were transferring a "day five embryo, grade 4AA" and that two had already been frozen and there were nine more remaining in culture to see how they grow.  We should hopefully get a call tomorrow that there are more embryos good enough to freeze, but it's relieving knowing that we do have at least a couple as a back-up (although I just really hope that this cycle works for us!).  

After a few minutes of waiting and listening to the excited chatter coming from a few of the other cubicles, another nurse came to bring us to the procedure meditation room.  I didn't feel quite so stressed out this time, but I was still nervous.  It was such a strange feeling to know that within the next few minutes someone was going to put an embryo into my uterus!  

Dr. Kashyap came in, wearing her pretty pink scrubs as usual.  Pink really is her color!  She handed us a picture of the embryo that they were going to transfer, and that was awesome.  I think that's the moment that Lance got a little choked up.  I tossed my legs up in them stirrups and eagerly waited for it all to happen.  

The embryologist came in and verified my name and date of birth, etc, then explained a little about his role, then he ran back off to the room behind us.  We could see what he was doing on the big screen, and I'm not gonna lie... It was one of those "hold my breath moments".  You could see him sucking the embryo up into the catheter, then he came back in the room and handed it to the Dr.  

I made everyone in the room jump when she put the ultrasound probe in... Her actions were just a little faster than her words and she hadn't quite got out the "you'll feel something cold" when I got prodded in the girl-bits.  I jumped a mile high as I just really wasn't expecting it, then we all had a good laugh and got down to business.  

We watched on the ultrasound monitor with excitement as Dr. Kashyap explained what she was seeing and told us to watch for the shooting star.  Moments later she released the embryo and you actually saw a little ball of light leave the tip of the catheter and float around for a few seconds before disappearing.  It's such a weird thing to see, and really makes you feel very honored to see the first few seconds of what will so hopefully become a new life.  It really did glow!  

I waited around for a few minutes with my legs up in the air and the Dr with the probe in my uterus, while the embryologist carefully checked the catheter under the microscope to make sure that the transfer did happen, even though everyone was quite confident that it had happened.  

So now we have our very first picture of what we hope will become our baby.  In one word... Amazing!  


I got dressed and Lance and I left, feeling a little giggly and excited about the next leg of our journey, while noting that the unfortunate could still happen.  We just have to stay positive.  March 11th will be the first beta-HCG pregnancy test... That's gonna feel like forever away, but I'm taking it easy and trying to eat healthier.  

It's just weird to think of all the crazy stuff that is going on inside that old uterus of mine.  I read way too much information on the process of fertilization and implantation, and am totally on information overload!  Love it!!!  

Transfer Day Is Finally Here!

We're just in the midst of getting ready to head out to Vancouver to have the transfer done.  Lance is just taking an extraordinarily long time in the bathroom and I'm assuming he's got his iPad in there playing Clash Of Clans, so I took the opportunity to quickly update my blog.  ;)

I barely slept last night, and both Lance and I had nightmares about absolutely ridiculous things.   I felt crampy and nauseated.  My brain would not shut off for the life of me.  What would we do if we had twins?  What would we do if I miscarry?  What if it's a boy?  What if it's a girl?  So many questions!!!

Of all the nights to forget to turn off my ringer too, my Mum texted me at 0630am to wish us good luck and that woke me up... I never did get back to sleep after that, but I think a lot of it is just from excitement about hopefully moving on to the pregnancy part of IVF.  At least the nausea will be welcomed then!

Off to Vancouver we go.  Updates to come later!!!


Lance always tells me to just "go to sleep".  It drives me insane.
Especially because he's snoring within 30 seconds of saying that to me.  Argh!

Wednesday 26 February 2014

Tomorrow Is Transfer Day!

This has been the fastest and slowest month of my entire life! I got a call from Genesis on Tuesday that our little embryos had done well and that they would be pushing me to day five.

Reality is hitting us both that we could be expecting really frigging soon, and I'm sure this two week waiting period will fly by so quickly...  Not!

This is gonna be a long stretch of waiting. I have to try not to go and buy a million pregnancy tests. Sigh!

Tomorrow we head to Vancouver to get a glimpse of our embryos and ultimately have one of them transferred to its new home for the next nine months. Eep!

How am I ever going to sleep tonight???

Sunday 23 February 2014

Egg Retrieval Complete!

Yesterday, Lance and I headed out to Vancouver for the egg retrieval.  To say that I was a bit nervous would be a serious understatement.  I could have avoided this by not reading all those damn forums, but it's just so hard to avoid them!

We left at 6am, and wouldn't you know it... It was snowing.  It's a good thing we took the snow tires off yesterday.  *sigh*

I nervously waited for the nurse to come and get us, which took FOREVER!  Talk about building suspense!  Finally, we were brought in to the procedure area where a nurse went over what was going to happen, and answered any questions that we had.  She gave me a couple of Tylenol, 1mg Ativan and started an IV, then hung 1g Ancef (an antibiotic).

Looking a bit pale.  Soooooo nervous!  

Lance, playing around with his surgical cap!
He doesn't like to smile for the camera.


When they finally had the procedure room ready, we went in.  Lance got to sit on the chair beside me whilst I hoisted my bare legs into the stirrups.  Dr. Kashyap came in and told me to try and relax and that this wasn't a procedure room, it was a meditation room.  She did a fantastic job of helping me calm down... That and the Fentanyl they were giving me through the IV.

I'd love to say that it was a painless experience, but it definitely wasn't as painful as I'd built myself up to imagine.  It was crampy and pinchy.  The thought of them poking a needle through my vagina into my ovaries made it all worse.

The whole thing probably lasted 20 minutes.  They said that they were able to retrieve 16 eggs (which is great), then helped me into a wheelchair and back to the recovery area.  The nurse came and checked my vitals every 15 minutes and brought me juice and cookies.  I slept on and off, feeling nauseated when I tried to move.  After an hour, I was good to go, other than the cramping pain, but that is to be expected for the next couple of days because my ovaries are the size of football fields.  I slept the entire way home, then I slept on and off for the rest of the day.  I finally crawled into bed around 9pm, and slept solid until 5:30am (Which is when we got up to watch the Canadian Men's Team win the final gold medal in the Sochi 2014 Olympics!  Go Canada, Go!!!

I felt a little uneasy this morning as I knew we would be getting a call from Genesis this afternoon to let us know how the fertilization process was going.  They called at 9am.

You cannot even imagine how many things went through my head when I heard the phone ring and waddled over to the coffee table to answer it...

"Why are they calling so early?  This can't be good!"
"Are they going to tell me that they mixed up the specimens?"
"Did they have a huge power-outage because of the snow storm and the embryos are ruined?"

One of the lab techs (after confirming that he was talking to me) said "Good news!"  I breathed!  Apparently they were able to collect an amazing 20 eggs from me yesterday.  19 were injected and 12 have made it to fertilization day one!!!  This means that we have 12 chances to make a baby happen!  Apparently they will only transfer one embryo, so it doesn't look like we'll have the chance at multiple births, but whatever!  I just want a healthy developed baby, and if that means only one... Then that's good enough for us!

We won't hear anything from Genesis tomorrow as they are just going to let the embryos do their thing until Tuesday morning, then we get another update and they should set the date for our embryo transfer.

All in all, I'm feeling pretty confident right now.  Let's just hope that my uterus is on the same team!


Thursday 20 February 2014

I got triggered!

I had to be in Vancouver again yesterday morning (my birthday!) at 7:30am for more labs and another ultrasound. Dr Kashyap said that everything was looking good and from what I gathered my follicles are growing adequately and she asked to see me again the next day. As I was driving home from a busy day of birthday shopping, Genesis called and said that my lab results were in and they were decreasing my dose of Gonal F and Menopur. Yay! This was good news because it means that my body is still responding well to the hormones!
I went back again this morning and they brought me right in for the ultrasound... My follicles are still growing and my uterus looks great! Dr Kashyap asked if I could hang around Vancouver until the afternoon because they wanted to see if I could be triggered, but needed the lab results first.
This is all a new language to me. What the heck does "triggered" mean?
I went for a solo breakfast at Denny's and contemplated googling "IVF trigger" but decided against it, just in case it was something painful or scary. I'm such a wuss!
I spent the next four hours walking aimlessly up and down Broadway, checking out the occasional interesting store. Pottery Barn had tonnes of neat ideas that I'd like to recreate myself for 1/10th the cost, and I saw the neatest baby swing in an overpriced baby store. Finally I found a Michaels Craft Store, and not 10 minutes later I get the call from Genesis that my labs are in and they want to trigger me tonight. I head back to Genesis to pick up the next step of instructions and another prescription and finally get to head home!!! What an exhausting day!
When I got home I googled a bit about this trigger. Basically I have to inject myself with the HCG hormone at 10pm today and stop taking any other shots. Oh happy days! The HCG will help mature a follicle and start ovulation in about 36 hours. My egg retrieval is scheduled in 34 hours.
S*** just got real again!
The reality of it all hit me on the way home. I'm so excited, but suddenly so scared! I know I can do this... Hell, I got through the hormone injections without killing or maiming anyone... I can handle pregnancy! I just really, really, really hope that everything works out and we don't have something horrible happen now that we're this close.
My fingers and toes are sooooooooo crossed!

Wednesday 19 February 2014

Ugh!

It's 4.10am on my 37th Birthday, my boobs hurt and I'm pretty sure that I can feel hornets buzzing around in my ovaries. 
Kill me now... 

I'll be heading out to Vancouver in just over an hour for more lab work and another ultrasound. My fingers are so so 
so crossed. Just a few more days! 


I made a meme yesterday.  I think it sums my IVF cycle up nicely.




Monday 17 February 2014

In The Thick Of It All

Wow, what a crazy week.  I had my first appointment at the clinic since I started taking the hormone injections.  They wanted to do some lab work and another ultrasound.  She said that everything looks good so far in the ultrasound, which was awesome to hear!!!  They are going to update me with the labwork this afternoon.  I go back for more labs and another ultrasound on Wednesday, which happens to be my 37th Birthday.  Yikes!

My sleep seems a little messed up still, I lay awake at night hoping that everything will work out and worrying that something will go wrong.  I also think of weird stuff, like what if Adam or Eve were infertile... What would have happened to the world?  Lance looks at me like I'm crazy when I try and explain what I'm thinking about.

I'm still not finding myself being as nuts as I thought I might be with the medication.  Jenna (A friend from work) told me that when her friend went through IVF she became so insane that they had to take a break from friendship until her hormones calmed down.  Lol!  This is what I based my own expectations on, and luckily, I'm having a much more positive experience and the few people that do know what's going on are being very supportive which helps so much.

It still seems so surreal to me though.

I used to feel very sad for people that were infertile and had to go through a clinic to get pregnant, and while I wish that no one had to pay thousands of dollars and ride this emotional rollercoaster, I can't help but think that we are also getting to experience something that a lot of people don't ever have to, or get to experience, and that's awesome!  If everything works out for us, this won't be a surprise pregnancy, and although I will miss being able to surprise Lance with a little "+" on a pregnancy test, we will appreciate it all the same, if not more!  We will also have that exciting thought running through our minds constantly that there could be more than just one little baby on the horizon, and that too would be extremely awesome and exciting.

Lance + Marie = Team Awesome!

I couldn't help posting this picture. 
 Lance keeps bringing his part in the whole process up when I complain about all the needles. 
 His part sounds like a lot more fun than my part!  

Sunday 16 February 2014

Oh, The Wonderful Side Effects

We paid the cycle fee yesterday.  Goodbye $7700.00... It was nice knowing you!  That's a lot of money to spend on a gamble!  Please, please, please be worth it!!!

So, side effects.  I know that every drug has its side effects, and that the drug manufacturers have to list them all, which is why I intentionally don't read the side effects of medications that I have to take.  Mostly due to the reason that if I read it, it will happen.  I have quite a suggestive personality.  

The hormone injections aren't all that bad other than making my ovaries hurt occasionally, and my stomach is itchy from all the needle pokes.  The side effects that are really bugging me are from the 3,432,456,543 pills that I am taking every day.  

1 Feramax Supplement (for my anemia)
1 Wonderfully constipating Ferrous Fumarate (Also for anemia)
1 Prenatal Vitamin (Also contains iron.  Blech!)
1 Docusate (to counteract all the pills I'm taking for anemia)
4 extra Folic Acid pills (because nobody likes birth defects!)
I'm considering adding some Vitamin D as a new study has suggested that Canadians have a lower level of Vit D due to our crummy weather, and IVF has a lower success rate with patients who have a lower level of good old Vitamin Sunshine.  

On a good day, I'm not excellent at taking pills.  I frequently gag during the process and have to try multiple times to swallow each pill. Last night, I had just finished my Gonal F injection, and moved on to the pills... I took my time, taking breaks inbetween each one.  I got to the last folic acid and felt that feeling deep at the back of my throat.  I started gagging.  

Lance has become immune to this happening, especially lately, so he didn't flinch... Until I gagged for the 3rd time, then threw up all over the floor!  He jumped up so quickly, looked at me and said "Why didn't you put your hands in front of you???"  Um, because it's puke... And I didn't have a lot of reaction time!  Also, I don't like to catch vomit...I am a nurse... We do anything possible to dodge puke!  

Luckily the dog wasn't around because he loves nothing more than a fresh pile of puke, and that would have probably made me puke again.  

Today I think I'll crush my pills up in some yogurt, also, I need to learn to chew up my dinner a bit better.  :(


Saturday 15 February 2014

A Pick-Me-Up

I had my first set of labs this morning and had been patiently freaking out, waiting for a call from the lab to tell me the results.  I was so nervous because of all the sad stories that I'd read on www.ivf.ca and was certain that they'd call and tell me that they were going to cancel everything, but...

Good news!!!

My body has responded really well to the Menopur and Gonal F, so now I have to decrease the Gonal F and start taking the Orgalutran to make sure my body doesn't start ovulating too early.

Hooray!  I can breathe again, right after I poke myself.

Three needles a day now, not to mention the bucket-full of vitamins and supplements I'm on.  Eep!!!


Now to wait until Monday morning when I go for more lab work and another pelvic ultrasound.  This is more time consuming than having a full-time job!


Feeling Blah!

I could use a beer.
Or a bottle of wine.

The last couple of days have been pretty emotional for me.  Yesterday, we went to the bank to finalize all of the loan stuff and got stuck behind a huge 8 vehicle accident on the way home.  What a nice way to spend Valentines Day, so in lieu of a nice romantic Valentines dinner, we grabbed McDs and watched a movie at home (I fell asleep at about 8:30 on the couch with my head on Lance's lap... How's that for romantic).

I am still kicking myself for reading forum posts on www.ivf.ca yesterday as it seemed to really make me doubt that this whole process will work and that things seem just too rushed.  I ended up calling the Genesis Nurses Line this morning to make sure that everything was ok, and she seemed to see no problems with the process, so I guess that's positive.

Lance and Bailey have been super supportive throughout this week and have hugged me when I've needed it, which has definitely helped keep my inner Satan at bay.  If the worst thing I have to deal with is plenty of tears, I suppose that's a heck of a lot better than having manic screamfests for irrational reasons (which was kind of what I was assuming may happen).

Anyway, I'm waiting for a call from the Fertility Clinic with the results of my lab work this morning.  Hopefully they have good news for me and we can move on to the 2nd week of ridiculously expensive medication and over-the-top emotions.

My fingers are crossed.




Here's the accident that we got stuck behind for about an hour and a half.  Nothing was moving except emergency vehicles.  Although it sucked, at least Lance was there with me (that's his work van right in front of me).  We didn't start moving until after it was dark, and really cold!  

Friday 14 February 2014

Google Is Not A Good Substitute For A Dr.

I don't know why I did it to myself, but I've had so many questions lately that I decided to spend my morning looking online for answers.  

It's Valentines Day and Lance and I were thinking about going out for dinner, but I worried about having a glass of wine with dinner.  I'm not pregnant yet, but could a glass of wine have an effect on the IVF?  When you're spending as much as we are on trying to have a baby, you don't want to mess things up with something as stupid as a glass of wine.  I've already told Lance that he's not allowed to drink beer for at least a week before the egg retrieval, and he has begrudgingly agreed.

Gillian and I looked it up yesterday, and I guess it's safe to say that neither one of us will be enjoying a glass of wine tonight, even though there's no conclusive evidence that it will or will not affect anything.  But that all got me thinking about other stuff.

I'm ashamed to admit that I had forgotten this, but I was born with all of my eggs.  I'm not sure where I went wrong, but recently I've been thinking that I grow eggs each month.  Sometimes I think that they teach you all this reproductive stuff too early, or perhaps I just didn't pay enough attention in class.  Anyway... I started researching the female cycle this morning and ended up at an IVF forum (www.ivf.ca).

I started reading posts.

I should never have done that.

There were so many stories of canceled and failed cycles that it's hard not to get scared thinking that this could happen to us.  I know that every single persons journey to the IVF clinic is unique and that I should always be hopeful, but wow,  Some of those stories were so disheartening.

So on I go, and in the wise old words of one Homer J. Simpson...





My Family And Friends Are Sadistic!

The human race is a curious one.  Whenever I pull out my little "injection kit", I round up a bit of an audience.  Everyone wants to take a turn stabbing at me.  I'm not really sure how I should take that.

Are they genuinely wanting to help me with my injections as it is a bit nerve wracking the first few times you have to do it, or do they actually want to cause me pain for all the times I've pissed them off?

The first injection I had to do was around my rather curious 14 year old.  She is not afraid of needles.  When she was 12 years old I came home to her having three new ear piercings that she did herself. (Weirdo).  She wanted to watch, which was fine.  What wasn't fine was the sadistic grin she had on her face at the expense of my nerves!  She offered to do the shot for me and when I said no, she laughed, maniacally!

That evening I had to do the Gonal F pen.  I've never used a pen-style syringe before so I carefully read the instructions, unaware that Lance and Bailey were enjoying every moment of my pain!  Lance had even secretly recorded a video of me trying to prepare myself.  I suggested that I go remove myself to another room where I could have a little privacy, but they wanted to watch.  Lance offered to give me the injection.  I declined.  

What is with people wanting to stab me???



The next morning I have to go to work.  I have to be there for 7am, and my shot is due at 8am.  My Team Leader is quite interested in watching me reconstitute the vials of Menopur and offers to do the shot for me.  I ran off to the bathroom and locked myself in there to do it myself.  It's really hard to give yourself an injection in the belly when you're standing!  

That evening I have to do the pen-style injection again and I had stayed at my parents (which I normally do inbetween shifts), and my Mum... Same thing "Oh, I'll do that injection for you" and then she followed me around the house calling me a pansy until I finally drove that needle into my gut!  

The next day, Gillian (one of my favorite RNs to work with, and one that I have actually let stab me with a needle before ... In the ear of all places!  Haha) offered about a dozen times to poke me, but again... I kind of have to do it myself.  I think it's a control thing.  Also, I'm a little scared and overwhelmed at the amount of people that want to hurt me!  

I'm now on day 4 of the injections and while I don't think I'll ever like needles, I'm getting better at giving them to myself.  It is a bit of an eye-opener for me to eat and drink a bit healthier though.  I'd make a horrible diabetic!!!

Wednesday 12 February 2014

Bring On The Psycho!

Ok, so I'm not really sure if this is a sign of things to come, or if it's purely circumstantial, but I've heard from numerous people that they know someone who has gone through IVF and the hormone injections made them irrational, insane, unbalanced and just plain crazy.
I felt pretty good yesterday. I'm on 150iu Menopur in the morning and 300iu Gonal F in the evening, and yesterday I remembered thinking that I should be able to coast through this whole hormone injection process without showing my crazy side.

Well, that was yesterday.

I was driving to work on this rainy morning, singing along to Katy Perry's "Roar" when suddenly, my passenger side windshield wiper flew off.  I pulled over and tried to reattach it, but the clip was missing.  I jammed it on the wiper-arm as best as I could, gave it a test swipe then went on my merry way.  Not!  As soon as I picked up speed the rain hit the windshield harder and when I turned the wiper back on again, it flew off again.  I screamed a profanity.  "F***", except it lasted for at least 30 seconds, was really high pitched and went more like this "Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu**!!!" 



I was terrified.  It was dark, and now the rain had picked up to a torrential downpour.  I only had one headlight, and now one wiper.  Every time I tried to wipe the other blade, the metal-on-glass sound from the passenger side wiper arm would deafen me, but I had no choice.  I pulled over four times during the 30 minute drive to work, shaking, scared and wet.   

If this had happened in the city, I may have survived the drive with my emotions intact, but it didn't.  I was on a "curly" stretch of highway that goes through the mountains.  The only light is the moon, which of course was nowhere to be seen this morning, due to the foreboding storm clouds above.  I white knuckled it the rest of the way to Hope, pulled off at the first exit in hopes that the Husky Gas Station had wipers.  

What I didn't expect to happen was that the last nerve that I had left would suddenly snap the minute I walked through that door and the wet, mascara covered mess that I was would burst into tears and sobs while I failed to make any form of sense.  Now, I don't like to make light of serious issues, but if you can imagine... It's 6:30am, it's dark and wet, I'm looking more than a little disheveled, bawling my eyes out uncontrollably, and I'm in a sketchy part of town.  I can only imagine what the store clerk and the old trucker guy, standing at the counter sipping on a gas station coffee thought... Obviously I had been attacked.  They both ran over to help me and I could see the relief in their faces when they finally realized that I just wanted a wiper.  I felt pretty silly.  

The trucker guy spent the next 20 minutes standing with me trying to install the new wiper blade in the middle of a hurricane (maybe that's a slight exaggeration, but it felt like it at the time).  Finally, the stupid thing was on and I had managed to pull myself together enough to get to work only 2 minutes late!  I remember looking in the rear-view mirror as I pulled into the parking lot and saying to myself "You're frigging insane!"  

Thank you, Mr. Trucker Guy for helping me, and sorry that you thought that I'd been attacked!  

At least the rest of the day can't get any worse, can it?  

Tuesday 11 February 2014

The Beginning!!!

I'm nervous and excited, all at once.  Why?  Because this morning was the 1st day of my cycle.

Let me explain a little bit of the history here... My Name is Marie.  I'm 36 (for at least another week), and my wonderful Fiance is 29 (yeah,I know.  Roar!)  I have two fantastic children from a previous relationship.  Aidan is 16 and Bailey is 14.  Lance has never had children. Lance wants children of his own, even though he has fully accepted my children as his own into his life.  I had my tubes tied in 2000/2001 due to medical complications after birth.

So there you have it.  Mostly.

We looked into having my tubal ligation reversed in 2009/2010, but didn't receive the greatest of news.  My insides are junk, that sums it up nicely.  We were referred to a fertility clinic in Vancouver called Genesis.  I kicked my heels a bit on getting us an appointment.  It's a bit of a scary process, and we were in the process of buying a house, so funds were a little tight.  Lance proposed to me on Christmas Eve of 2013 and we decided that maybe this baby thing should happen sooner rather than later, especially seeing that he was going to be stuck with me and my crappy insides for the rest of his life.  I made the appointment.

After a disappointing and discouraging start (The fertility Dr found a large prolapsed fibroid in my already crap uterus), I had surgery and we got back on track.  We told the Dr in our orientation that we would like to try to have a baby soon... And they didn't mess around.  The orientation was on January 31st, 2014, and they got me on the medications that freaking day.

So now we're up to date!

Today is the 1st day of my cycle.  I had to give myself an injection of Menopur.  In my normal every day life, I give injections all the time.  I'm an ER nurse.  I am terrified of needles.  Thus posed a problem.  How the flipping hell am I supposed to stab myself in the gut with a needle when I  can't even check my own blood sugars without fainting???  Well... I guess if you really want something badly, then you figure it out.  I have a teeny tiny pokehole in my belly... With many more to come.

So stay tuned, and I will update this frequently with our hopeful, yet scary journey into pregnancy.


Oh, and I almost forgot... Here's our first big expense.  *drum roll*


That is one weeks worth of meds.  Total cost... $3356.00  Yikes, hey?  
And I thought having a baby the normal way was expensive enough.