New Beginnings

I'm not a phone person at all, but I opted to have a phone consultation with Genesis on Monday to go over the last cycle.  I would rather talk on the phone than deal with Vancouver traffic if I have to!  I hate, hate, hate Vancouver traffic!  

Dr Kashyap was her normal kind, gentle self on the phone and after offering her sympathies got right to business.  She thinks that the cycle failed because my hormone levels were out of whack and that led to a crappy baby-welcoming environment in this old uterus of mine.  

All that said and done, she said that she thinks that we should try a natural cycle, with the possibility of a multi-embryo transfer.  My interest piqued!  No hormones, and twice the chance!  After the embryo is transferred then they will probably start me on the Progesterone pessaries again, but that should be it.  It sounds wonderful.  I won't be all messed up and crazy... Maybe.  ;)

Now I just have to wait for good old Aunt Flow to visit me to start the process.  This may be the first time in my life I will be excited to get my monthlies.  Teehee.  

In the past few weeks I have made some discoveries about myself.  My iron levels SUCK.  It's true.  My Dr's have been telling me this for years, and one had even threatened to transfuse me if I didn't smarten up and take those damn pills.  Well, I kind of fell off the wagon for a bit after the big disappointment and stopped taking all of my pills.  Stupid?  Yes!  I became tired... Irritable... Pale.  I hadn't really noticed that I'd become more awake, happier, colorful when I was taking the pills, so I put myself back on them all.  Prenatals, Folates, Iron!  Maybe I'll just be stuck taking pills for the rest of my life, but it's better than being a tired, crabby bitch that looks like death.  Lance also suggested that if I stop taking them, he'll start drugging me.  Duly noted.  

So there you have it.  We have four more frozen "chances" to make this happen, and I really hope that this natural cycle works.  I don't think I'll be quite so neurotic with the googling this time.  I'll just let nature take its course and hopefully the outcome will be so much better than the last time!  

See ya soon!  

xoxo

My Chemical Pregnancy

I am sad all over.  I had my Beta-HCG level done this morning and it's only 14.  I knew I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up.  It never fails!  Lance always tells me that I live in the "worst-case-scenario" zone, and that I should try to be more positive.  It's not that I enjoy dragging my feelings around on the floor, it's that I find it easier to pick up and carry on when I'm hit with a blow if I'm already expecting the worst.

That being said, I just got off the phone with the fertility clinic.  They always give me a chance to review my own lab-work online before they call so I already knew the bad news when I answered.  It's now confirmed that I had a chemical pregnancy and I need to repeat my Beta-HCG next Wednesday to make sure it's dropped down to 5 or lower.  I made myself a large mug of strong coffee because really, there's no reason not to drink coffee today now.

I haven't really cried yet.  It's been such a stressful week, I honestly think I'm just thankful to finally know what's going on so that we can plan our next move.  I think it'll be hard when Lance gets home and we have to see each other upset.  That's where the bottle of wine that my Brother gave me for my Birthday will come in handy.  

I'm frustrated about the conversation that I had with the nurse, and I know that she's just trying to help and make sure I'm going to be ok and that I'm not going to turn into Eeyore, the donkey of depression... It's just that, I felt that she wanted to talk more about how this affected the staff and not how it affected me. 

"You know, this is really hard... Especially for us.  We waited for your labs to come in and were all so disappointed that they had gone down"  

She even used a crap analogy of a playground.

"Remember when we were kids and we'd play on the see-saw... Those ups and downs were what would make us laugh, and it's the ups and downs in our current lives that still make us laugh".

I just don't feel like laughing.

She did end the call with "Enjoy your evening"

I effing will.  I'm going to have some wine!  

Another thing that has made me sad is having to leave the super-secret-pregnant-moms facebook group that I was in (no, that's not the groups real name. If I told you that, then it wouldn't be so secret anymore!).  I had enjoyed all the constant updates from everyone, complaining about ill-fitting clothes to horrific morning sickness to almost getting busted by friends for looking pregnant.  I truly wish that I was able to continue on my journey with the girls in that group, but it's just not our time.  Hopefully I will be able to join another secret group in the next couple of months, but until then, I wish all of my friends the best luck with their pregnancies, and just because I'm no longer in that group, I'd still like to hear that occasional update from ya'll... So let me know how it's going, and all that stuff... Blog comments are eagerly awaited!!!  

So now our next step is to book an appointment with the Dr and go over what she feels happened with this cycle and how they want to approach the next cycle.  Keep your fingers crossed for us!

At least I can stop taking those darn progesterone pessaries now!!!

Get Me Off Of This Emotional Roller Coaster!!!

What an absolutely cruel week!!!  I've had major ups and downs.  I spent all of Thursday crying.  I just want this next few weeks to flash by with good results so that I have at least a little clue as to what's going on.

Wednesday:  Spotting started.  I thought perhaps it was implantation bleeding, so I didn't worry too much about it.

Thursday: Went to the bathroom and there was bright red blood and lots of it.  I freaked out and called Genesis who said that I should go and have my beta drawn early.  It was supposed to happen today (March 11th) but they wanted it done on the Saturday (March 8th).  I spent the rest of the day crying uncontrollably on the couch, preparing for the worst.

Friday:  Bleeding is increasing and I've seen a few small clots.  Totally prepared for the worst.  I think I got all of my crying out on Thursday.  I'm just depressed.  Why didn't this work?  I have no symptoms of pregnancy anymore.

Saturday:  Headed to the lab at 7am.  Burst into tears trying to register because I know this is going to give me the horrible news that this cycle was a bust.  Bleeding is about the same.  It's like having a normal period, so that's exactly what I'm assuming it is.  I'm going through pads in a couple of hours.  Came home, sat on the couch (Lance has me on bedrest until we know for sure) and waited for the results to come through.  Checked the ehealth website every half an hour and finally saw that they were there around 2pm.  My beta was 15.  Talk about incon-frigging-clusive!  Genesis called and told me that the numbers were really low and that they want to see it over 100 when I go again on Monday, but to be prepared that they will probably be lower.

Sunday:  Lance hung out on my couch prison with me all day.  We watched Suits and Lie To Me on Netflix.  He cooked dinner and got mad at me if I so much as tried to get up.  He really is super wonderful.

Monday:  Arrived at the lab at 6:45.  Tearful/fearful again.  Felt a little nauseated this morning, but figured that was from stress.  Came home, back to my couch prison and waited.  I checked around 11am for the results but nothing was in yet (it really is handy having them post on ehealth so that I don't have to wait for my Dr to review them and call me).  I checked that website every 30 minutes and I'd hold my breath as I clicked on "View reports" but each time it just said that todays labs were incomplete.  Checked at 1pm and forgot to hold my breath... And of course they were in.  I gave myself a pep talk that we'd just have to figure out when would be a good time to try another cycle.  Beta results = 25.  What the hell!  They've gone up!  Not quite doubled, but it is so close, and still so low.  I called Lance and he said to get the bleeding checked out so I called my family Dr.  She's gone for the day.  I head to the ER.  Tyson was working triage and I felt relieved, especially when he told me that it's super busy but he'd get me in faster.  I guess there are benefits to being staff (that and most of the people in the waiting room had stupid complaints).  The ER Dr did a quick abdominal ultrasound and said that he thinks he could see a sac and would like me to go for a full ultrasound the next day.  I went back home excited and hopeful, and to rest more.

Tuesday:  I just got back from my ultrasound.  It doesn't look good.  The tech didn't see anything that resembles a sac, nor did she see any reason for the bleeding, so here I am again, back on the roller coaster, and waiting for tomorrow's beta test to see what the hell is going on with me.  Am I pregnant or not?  Why does this have to be so tortuous!!!!!

Hopefully I have the heart to update again soon, with good news.  Otherwise, see you when we do another cycle.

7DP5DT

Yes, that's 7 days past my 5 day transfer, and still no BFP.  To say that I feel a little weepy today would be an understatement.  I've googled enough information to know that there's still hope for me, but I had a little bit of spotting last night and this morning, and any other symptoms that I had have pretty much dwindled away.  I also understand that any symptoms that I did have were probably from the massive amounts of medications that I had been taking.  

I know that the bleeding could mean two things.  AF or Implantation Bleeding.  I really hope that it's the latter.  I keep getting these sharp pains in my stomach and most of the reading that I've done, people have AF like cramps with the spotting.  Mine are definitely not AF like.  They're pinchy.

I have been fighting back tears as I stupidly read blog after blog about people who have been in this same situation, hoping to find someone that I can compare my reproductive system with.  Someone who has gone through the exact same steps that I have, but we are all different, and our journeys are equally as different.  Some of them ended up pregnant, some of them ended up drowning their sorrows in wine.  Reading all of the comments on each blog entry is equally as frustrating.  They're also filled with other peoples hopes and fears.
"You're testing too early"
"I didn't get my BFP until the OTD"
"Sorry for your loss, I had that same spotting then MC'd"
"I didn't get my BFP until 9DP5DT"
"Hang in there, don't get down".
"Test again in two days"
"Don't test at home, wait until the OTD"

Surely with all of the advances in the medical field there has to be a way of monitoring the embryo without making families suffer through this 2WW.  It's barbaric!  I'm on my way to a nervous breakdown!!!

BFN

Wandering through the colorful aisles at our local Dollarama, I always get a good giggle when I head down the health aisle and see the dollar store pregnancy tests, sitting right next to the dollar store condoms.  I told Bailey once "If you ever use a dollar store condom, you'll be back for the pregnancy test, so don't!".  Now here I stand, at the cash register with my basket full of cheapo pregnancy tests (and we all know that I didn't use the dollar store condoms...It was immaculate conception, or something like that).  

I researched the effectiveness of the dollar store pregnancy tests as I've noticed a lot of women on BabyCenter and other forums swear by them, and they're all pregnant.  I found out that they are actually Health Canada approved and really, what more do I need a urine test to do other than check my pee for HCG.  I figured, not unlike hundreds of other women "Why should I pay $20 for a HPT when they have them for $1.25 and I can check my pee daily on the cheap!"  

Well, I came home and explained to Lance that I'd spent a small fortune on said tests and that I wanted to do one.  Wise old Lance retorted with "Why don't you just wait?"  Why?  Because this is pure torture!!!  I hate this not-knowing!  I hate questioning every feeling I get in my body and wandering if it's a symptom of pregnancy or my own insanity.  

I pee'd on that stick.

I got a BFN.  For you guys that have no idea what a BFN is, or the HPT, HCG and all the other acronyms that I will probably use now that I'm part of this secret society of pregnant ladies... BFN means "BIG FAT NEGATIVE".  The other ones, you can look up yourselves.  :P

Anyway... I half expected to get the BFN as I had done the math before hand.

Trigger shot = Feb 20th @ 10pm.  Lasts in your body from 9-14 days.

Embryo Transfer = Feb 27th @ 11am.  Implantation takes approximately 5 days after the transfer to complete.

So basically, I'm in this not-pregnant limbo, but I have ruled out the possibility of having the trigger shot still in my system.. So basically now, all I have to do is wait, and pee on a stick every day until we hopefully get our BFP (This one's easy!).  

I'm trying to stay as positive as I can, but even though I expected it to be negative, a little piece of me wanted to see a really strong positive.  

I shall report more on my findings tomorrow!  

5-Day Transfer

Days Past Transfer (DPT)	Embryo Development
One	The blastocyst begins to hatch out of its shell
Two	The blastocyst continues to hatch out of its shell and begins to attach itself to the uterus
Three	The blastocyst attaches deeper into the uterine lining, beginning implantation
Four	Implantation continues
Five	Implantation is complete, cells that will eventually become the placenta and fetus have begun to develop
Six	Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) starts to enter the blood stream
Seven	Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Eight	Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Nine	Levels of hCG are now high enough to detect a pregnancy

I am on day 5 according to this chart from the NYU Fertility Center, so there's still hope for us yet!!!  

I'm Not Very Patient

So this is what the waiting game is like, huh?

I can't think of much else right now, other than "am I pregnant?"

Bits of me feel pregnant.  I'm definitely having bizarre dreams, and other weird symptoms like the stuffy nose, constipation, sore boobs, etc... But I always wonder if that could just be from the drugs.

I spend my time searching for the ultimate nursery that's not too cliche and overdone, so basically anything on Pinterest is out.  I can't tell you how many Tree Of Life paintings I've seen on nursery walls.  It looks lovely, but it's just been done way too many times.  I also found an awesome forum on www.babycenter.ca and we have started a support group on facebook which is great!  It's nice to know that there are at people that I have something in common with for the rest of my life!  

I'm pretty sure I am pregnant though.  I just have that feeling.  I really hope I'm right, which is ok because I'm never wrong.  Just ask Lance.  ;)

I decided to do a little project this afternoon.  I wanted to take a picture to mark each month of this pregnancy and I thought it would be neat to tie a number around my belly with a ribbon.  I came up with these... 

They're fairly big.  Each one is about 7"x7", but I think they'll look pretty awesome.  If anyone wants the images sent over, then comment with your email address.  I went with a gender neutral theme because at this moment, neither of us wants to find out what we're having.  Perhaps that'll change, but who knows.  I also made a blank one that I can print out a bunch of times and write things on it like "2WW" and "In Labor!!!"  and things like that.  Maybe we can take a picture of our new family afterwards with a ribbon and tag on the baby with his/her name and birth date, weight etc?  So many ideas in this little head of mine!!!  

Anyway, I don't think I'll be able to hold out until March 11th without doing a POAS test at home.  Just gotta find out exactly when the trigger shot is out of my system.  Hopefully it's soon!!!  

One last thing.  It's weird to think, but according to any website or app I have looked on, it says that today I'm two weeks and four days pregnant.  I know that's not accurate for me as we did IVF and have a pretty good clue as to when the egg was fertilized, and you're not actually pregnant until implantation takes place but I guess the rest of the world goes by the LMP method... Which makes me more pregnant than I thought I was, even though I don't know if I am. 

See, totally driving myself crazy!!!  

<3