Of All The Days...

So yesterday was transfer day.
It was Friday the 13th.
It was a full moon.
It was also Mercury Retrograde.

The full moon is considered a "Honey Moon" as it happened on a Friday 13th.  That next time anyone will see that will be in 2049.  That's pretty cool.

I can't say that I wasn't intimidated by the thought of transferring two of our remaining four embryos with such notoriously ominous signs, but that was the date that we were given, and there's not much that we can do other than to throw our superstitions aside and just hope for the best.

Lance and I headed down to Vancouver around 9am.  We were gonna head to Denny's for some breakfast before the transfer.  Unfortunately someone's Friday 13th wasn't going so well and we encountered a huge accident on Hwy1 that resulted in a long detour through town.  By the time we arrived in Vancouver, we only had 40 minutes before our appointment so we decided that it would be best to eat after.  Hopefully the half a bagel that we'd each had before we left would tide us over.  Lol.

I started getting nervous as we were sitting in the waiting room.  What if the embryos didn't survive the thaw?  What if something goes wrong and they can't do the transfer?  Millions of questions and concerns invaded my thoughts.  Lance told me to quit worrying and that everything would be fine.  And he was right.

The nurse greeted us as we entered the procedure room. Dr. Kashyap followed shortly behind, with her kind, calming personality.  The embryologist came in the room and introduced himself as "our babysitter".  It's a nice atmosphere, if you don't think about the fact that I have my legs up in the air with a speculum in my hoohaa displayed for all the world to see.

The embryologist returned back to the lab and we watched on the big screen as he captured the two embryos into a catheter and brought them out for the Dr.  Then the magic happened.  We witnessed the "Shooting star" again as the embryos were pushed out of the catheter and into what I really hope will be their home for the next 9 months.

Our two embryos.  Six days old and ready to meet their new home.

A comparison with the first embryo at day 5.

Now all there is to do is sit and wait it out.  We can officially test on June 23rd.  I'm sure I won't make it that long without doing a home pregnancy test, but we'll see.  I'm trying my hardest (and failing) to not google too much about this cycle.  I've tried comparing my embryos to other day 6 embryos, but they're all so different.  We have a 4AA and a 4BB, at least that's what they were frozen as.  I don't know if they'd be a 5 or 6 AA/BB by this point, or if they're still considered a 4... Way too much to learn...But I digress...

We transferred two embryos on a Friday the 13th with a full moon, and Mercury being all retrograde and stuff... The more "fingers crossed" we get, the better.  

I will update very soon, I'm sure!

My Chemical Pregnancy

I am sad all over.  I had my Beta-HCG level done this morning and it's only 14.  I knew I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up.  It never fails!  Lance always tells me that I live in the "worst-case-scenario" zone, and that I should try to be more positive.  It's not that I enjoy dragging my feelings around on the floor, it's that I find it easier to pick up and carry on when I'm hit with a blow if I'm already expecting the worst.

That being said, I just got off the phone with the fertility clinic.  They always give me a chance to review my own lab-work online before they call so I already knew the bad news when I answered.  It's now confirmed that I had a chemical pregnancy and I need to repeat my Beta-HCG next Wednesday to make sure it's dropped down to 5 or lower.  I made myself a large mug of strong coffee because really, there's no reason not to drink coffee today now.

I haven't really cried yet.  It's been such a stressful week, I honestly think I'm just thankful to finally know what's going on so that we can plan our next move.  I think it'll be hard when Lance gets home and we have to see each other upset.  That's where the bottle of wine that my Brother gave me for my Birthday will come in handy.  

I'm frustrated about the conversation that I had with the nurse, and I know that she's just trying to help and make sure I'm going to be ok and that I'm not going to turn into Eeyore, the donkey of depression... It's just that, I felt that she wanted to talk more about how this affected the staff and not how it affected me. 

"You know, this is really hard... Especially for us.  We waited for your labs to come in and were all so disappointed that they had gone down"  

She even used a crap analogy of a playground.

"Remember when we were kids and we'd play on the see-saw... Those ups and downs were what would make us laugh, and it's the ups and downs in our current lives that still make us laugh".

I just don't feel like laughing.

She did end the call with "Enjoy your evening"

I effing will.  I'm going to have some wine!  

Another thing that has made me sad is having to leave the super-secret-pregnant-moms facebook group that I was in (no, that's not the groups real name. If I told you that, then it wouldn't be so secret anymore!).  I had enjoyed all the constant updates from everyone, complaining about ill-fitting clothes to horrific morning sickness to almost getting busted by friends for looking pregnant.  I truly wish that I was able to continue on my journey with the girls in that group, but it's just not our time.  Hopefully I will be able to join another secret group in the next couple of months, but until then, I wish all of my friends the best luck with their pregnancies, and just because I'm no longer in that group, I'd still like to hear that occasional update from ya'll... So let me know how it's going, and all that stuff... Blog comments are eagerly awaited!!!  

So now our next step is to book an appointment with the Dr and go over what she feels happened with this cycle and how they want to approach the next cycle.  Keep your fingers crossed for us!

At least I can stop taking those darn progesterone pessaries now!!!

My Family And Friends Are Sadistic!

The human race is a curious one.  Whenever I pull out my little "injection kit", I round up a bit of an audience.  Everyone wants to take a turn stabbing at me.  I'm not really sure how I should take that.

Are they genuinely wanting to help me with my injections as it is a bit nerve wracking the first few times you have to do it, or do they actually want to cause me pain for all the times I've pissed them off?

The first injection I had to do was around my rather curious 14 year old.  She is not afraid of needles.  When she was 12 years old I came home to her having three new ear piercings that she did herself. (Weirdo).  She wanted to watch, which was fine.  What wasn't fine was the sadistic grin she had on her face at the expense of my nerves!  She offered to do the shot for me and when I said no, she laughed, maniacally!

That evening I had to do the Gonal F pen.  I've never used a pen-style syringe before so I carefully read the instructions, unaware that Lance and Bailey were enjoying every moment of my pain!  Lance had even secretly recorded a video of me trying to prepare myself.  I suggested that I go remove myself to another room where I could have a little privacy, but they wanted to watch.  Lance offered to give me the injection.  I declined.  

What is with people wanting to stab me???

The next morning I have to go to work.  I have to be there for 7am, and my shot is due at 8am.  My Team Leader is quite interested in watching me reconstitute the vials of Menopur and offers to do the shot for me.  I ran off to the bathroom and locked myself in there to do it myself.  It's really hard to give yourself an injection in the belly when you're standing!  

That evening I have to do the pen-style injection again and I had stayed at my parents (which I normally do inbetween shifts), and my Mum... Same thing "Oh, I'll do that injection for you" and then she followed me around the house calling me a pansy until I finally drove that needle into my gut!  

The next day, Gillian (one of my favorite RNs to work with, and one that I have actually let stab me with a needle before ... In the ear of all places!  Haha) offered about a dozen times to poke me, but again... I kind of have to do it myself.  I think it's a control thing.  Also, I'm a little scared and overwhelmed at the amount of people that want to hurt me!  

I'm now on day 4 of the injections and while I don't think I'll ever like needles, I'm getting better at giving them to myself.  It is a bit of an eye-opener for me to eat and drink a bit healthier though.  I'd make a horrible diabetic!!!

The Beginning!!!

I'm nervous and excited, all at once.  Why?  Because this morning was the 1st day of my cycle.

Let me explain a little bit of the history here... My Name is Marie.  I'm 36 (for at least another week), and my wonderful Fiance is 29 (yeah,I know.  Roar!)  I have two fantastic children from a previous relationship.  Aidan is 16 and Bailey is 14.  Lance has never had children. Lance wants children of his own, even though he has fully accepted my children as his own into his life.  I had my tubes tied in 2000/2001 due to medical complications after birth.

So there you have it.  Mostly.

We looked into having my tubal ligation reversed in 2009/2010, but didn't receive the greatest of news.  My insides are junk, that sums it up nicely.  We were referred to a fertility clinic in Vancouver called Genesis.  I kicked my heels a bit on getting us an appointment.  It's a bit of a scary process, and we were in the process of buying a house, so funds were a little tight.  Lance proposed to me on Christmas Eve of 2013 and we decided that maybe this baby thing should happen sooner rather than later, especially seeing that he was going to be stuck with me and my crappy insides for the rest of his life.  I made the appointment.

After a disappointing and discouraging start (The fertility Dr found a large prolapsed fibroid in my already crap uterus), I had surgery and we got back on track.  We told the Dr in our orientation that we would like to try to have a baby soon... And they didn't mess around.  The orientation was on January 31st, 2014, and they got me on the medications that freaking day.

So now we're up to date!

Today is the 1st day of my cycle.  I had to give myself an injection of Menopur.  In my normal every day life, I give injections all the time.  I'm an ER nurse.  I am terrified of needles.  Thus posed a problem.  How the flipping hell am I supposed to stab myself in the gut with a needle when I  can't even check my own blood sugars without fainting???  Well... I guess if you really want something badly, then you figure it out.  I have a teeny tiny pokehole in my belly... With many more to come.

So stay tuned, and I will update this frequently with our hopeful, yet scary journey into pregnancy.

Oh, and I almost forgot... Here's our first big expense.  *drum roll*

That is one weeks worth of meds.  Total cost... $3356.00  Yikes, hey?  

And I thought having a baby the normal way was expensive enough.