My Chemical Pregnancy

I am sad all over.  I had my Beta-HCG level done this morning and it's only 14.  I knew I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up.  It never fails!  Lance always tells me that I live in the "worst-case-scenario" zone, and that I should try to be more positive.  It's not that I enjoy dragging my feelings around on the floor, it's that I find it easier to pick up and carry on when I'm hit with a blow if I'm already expecting the worst.

That being said, I just got off the phone with the fertility clinic.  They always give me a chance to review my own lab-work online before they call so I already knew the bad news when I answered.  It's now confirmed that I had a chemical pregnancy and I need to repeat my Beta-HCG next Wednesday to make sure it's dropped down to 5 or lower.  I made myself a large mug of strong coffee because really, there's no reason not to drink coffee today now.

I haven't really cried yet.  It's been such a stressful week, I honestly think I'm just thankful to finally know what's going on so that we can plan our next move.  I think it'll be hard when Lance gets home and we have to see each other upset.  That's where the bottle of wine that my Brother gave me for my Birthday will come in handy.  

I'm frustrated about the conversation that I had with the nurse, and I know that she's just trying to help and make sure I'm going to be ok and that I'm not going to turn into Eeyore, the donkey of depression... It's just that, I felt that she wanted to talk more about how this affected the staff and not how it affected me. 

"You know, this is really hard... Especially for us.  We waited for your labs to come in and were all so disappointed that they had gone down"  

She even used a crap analogy of a playground.

"Remember when we were kids and we'd play on the see-saw... Those ups and downs were what would make us laugh, and it's the ups and downs in our current lives that still make us laugh".

I just don't feel like laughing.

She did end the call with "Enjoy your evening"

I effing will.  I'm going to have some wine!  

Another thing that has made me sad is having to leave the super-secret-pregnant-moms facebook group that I was in (no, that's not the groups real name. If I told you that, then it wouldn't be so secret anymore!).  I had enjoyed all the constant updates from everyone, complaining about ill-fitting clothes to horrific morning sickness to almost getting busted by friends for looking pregnant.  I truly wish that I was able to continue on my journey with the girls in that group, but it's just not our time.  Hopefully I will be able to join another secret group in the next couple of months, but until then, I wish all of my friends the best luck with their pregnancies, and just because I'm no longer in that group, I'd still like to hear that occasional update from ya'll... So let me know how it's going, and all that stuff... Blog comments are eagerly awaited!!!  

So now our next step is to book an appointment with the Dr and go over what she feels happened with this cycle and how they want to approach the next cycle.  Keep your fingers crossed for us!

At least I can stop taking those darn progesterone pessaries now!!!

The Beginning!!!

I'm nervous and excited, all at once.  Why?  Because this morning was the 1st day of my cycle.

Let me explain a little bit of the history here... My Name is Marie.  I'm 36 (for at least another week), and my wonderful Fiance is 29 (yeah,I know.  Roar!)  I have two fantastic children from a previous relationship.  Aidan is 16 and Bailey is 14.  Lance has never had children. Lance wants children of his own, even though he has fully accepted my children as his own into his life.  I had my tubes tied in 2000/2001 due to medical complications after birth.

So there you have it.  Mostly.

We looked into having my tubal ligation reversed in 2009/2010, but didn't receive the greatest of news.  My insides are junk, that sums it up nicely.  We were referred to a fertility clinic in Vancouver called Genesis.  I kicked my heels a bit on getting us an appointment.  It's a bit of a scary process, and we were in the process of buying a house, so funds were a little tight.  Lance proposed to me on Christmas Eve of 2013 and we decided that maybe this baby thing should happen sooner rather than later, especially seeing that he was going to be stuck with me and my crappy insides for the rest of his life.  I made the appointment.

After a disappointing and discouraging start (The fertility Dr found a large prolapsed fibroid in my already crap uterus), I had surgery and we got back on track.  We told the Dr in our orientation that we would like to try to have a baby soon... And they didn't mess around.  The orientation was on January 31st, 2014, and they got me on the medications that freaking day.

So now we're up to date!

Today is the 1st day of my cycle.  I had to give myself an injection of Menopur.  In my normal every day life, I give injections all the time.  I'm an ER nurse.  I am terrified of needles.  Thus posed a problem.  How the flipping hell am I supposed to stab myself in the gut with a needle when I  can't even check my own blood sugars without fainting???  Well... I guess if you really want something badly, then you figure it out.  I have a teeny tiny pokehole in my belly... With many more to come.

So stay tuned, and I will update this frequently with our hopeful, yet scary journey into pregnancy.

Oh, and I almost forgot... Here's our first big expense.  *drum roll*

That is one weeks worth of meds.  Total cost... $3356.00  Yikes, hey?  

And I thought having a baby the normal way was expensive enough.